Why do i have to let him see me at my weakest moment?
Had a tiff with him last night. I told him before, i don't know when am i going to have that emotional setbacks again. He was supposed to send me home. He asked me to wait downstairs and he proceeded to go up to his house to change his clothes. When i stood there... i thought of our conversation...
My dream... since little... is just to have my parents looking at other ppl and saying, "Our LiLi has high marks in university. Working as a psychologist." with that beam of proudness in their eyes.
I dun want them to look at other ppl and the only proudness they have is that when ppl say, "Your daughter is so pretty!"
Pretty.. so? pretty can earn money?.. Pretty can allow me to have more true friends?... Pretty.. The only thing i can think of is prostitute loh.
And seriously speaking, i think i'm only average looking. Sorry ar, i'm a very negative person.
Anyway.. last night, when i waited for him, that bad feeling came back again. That pain came back once again in my heart. I told him that i can go home myself. And that it's better that we dun meet anymore. that i dun need help.
I took off and walk home.
I've always thought that for him and me, we have these kinda telepathy powers.
While i was walking, i can feel that his car is coming my direction. As i thought of it, my feets began to move faster (thought i know it's impossible to out-run a car! DUH!)
True enough, within minutes, a car slowed down beside me.
He wind down the window and asked me to get in. I didn't want to. But i was afraid cos i dun think he's allowed to stop his car there. So i got in.
When we reach my blk, he stopped the car and looked at me.
That's when i saw that vulnerable look in his eyes.
In fact, it's in both of our eyes.
He kept trying to wake me up of my pain but it's useless. That night, if there's a pen knife in front of me, i could have used it.
I was smiling and fighting back my tears.
He: wo hen pei fu ni leh. you can fight back your tears so well
Me: Fight back what. i've no tears. can't you see i'm smiling?
He: that's a fake smile. U are crying inside.
I really hate it when he can read my feelings without me saying anything. i dun like this transparent feeling. i dun like to be this predictable.
after that...
He: I give u one chance. if you wanna leave, you leave now. walk out of the car and then dun sms/call me later. *unlock the door*
I opened the car door.
He: This is your decision. remember that.
I walked out and closed the door.
Before i walked out, i saw that pain in his face.
He's not the only one who knows how to read my feelings. perhaps he do not know, but i know every feelings of he's. When he's angry and upset, i know. No matter how much he hide, i know when he is troubled even though i did not ask more. Because i know he'd tell me if he wants to.
I walked towards my lift and stopped at my tracks.
6 years memories flooded back into my mind.
I walked back near where his car is and squatted down behind the wall.
The truth is, i can't bear to leave
I can tell that it's a neutral feeling because his car is still there for 15 minutes.
My dad eventually came down and i had to go up with him. I wonder.. if it's fate.
I washed up and climbed into bed.
We msged... and as the more he msged.. the more i felt both of our sorrows.
I've once told him,
Me: OEi.. u dun always msg so short leh. wah lao. u always msg 'ok', 'why'. can msg longer anot?
for 6 years, i've never seen such long msges from him like last night. Woke up to cry several times but controlled my fingers from msging the wrong things.
How i wish.. none of this had happened...
I just want to return to the past when we sat and chat. Him and me both in our uniforms. Him sleeping in front of me at the void deck (which is irritating and i'd try all ways to wake him up) the time i fell down and he laughed at me even till now. The time i sat in his bicycle. (though i've never even touched it after he is with his gf) there's so much memory...
I just hope i get into a car accident.
But dun take away my memory
I just hope the memory is still there..
but i won't recognize the face.
won't that be great?
I feel so tired... I've so many feelings kept within my heart but yet i can't let out...
really tired...
Why does it have to end this way?
I know i'd suffer more, that's why i stepped out of the car.
I will be responsible for both of our sorrows.
You helped me so many times..
Why can't you let me help you just this once?
Had a tiff with him last night. I told him before, i don't know when am i going to have that emotional setbacks again. He was supposed to send me home. He asked me to wait downstairs and he proceeded to go up to his house to change his clothes. When i stood there... i thought of our conversation...
My dream... since little... is just to have my parents looking at other ppl and saying, "Our LiLi has high marks in university. Working as a psychologist." with that beam of proudness in their eyes.
I dun want them to look at other ppl and the only proudness they have is that when ppl say, "Your daughter is so pretty!"
Pretty.. so? pretty can earn money?.. Pretty can allow me to have more true friends?... Pretty.. The only thing i can think of is prostitute loh.
And seriously speaking, i think i'm only average looking. Sorry ar, i'm a very negative person.
Anyway.. last night, when i waited for him, that bad feeling came back again. That pain came back once again in my heart. I told him that i can go home myself. And that it's better that we dun meet anymore. that i dun need help.
I took off and walk home.
I've always thought that for him and me, we have these kinda telepathy powers.
While i was walking, i can feel that his car is coming my direction. As i thought of it, my feets began to move faster (thought i know it's impossible to out-run a car! DUH!)
True enough, within minutes, a car slowed down beside me.
He wind down the window and asked me to get in. I didn't want to. But i was afraid cos i dun think he's allowed to stop his car there. So i got in.
When we reach my blk, he stopped the car and looked at me.
That's when i saw that vulnerable look in his eyes.
In fact, it's in both of our eyes.
He kept trying to wake me up of my pain but it's useless. That night, if there's a pen knife in front of me, i could have used it.
I was smiling and fighting back my tears.
He: wo hen pei fu ni leh. you can fight back your tears so well
Me: Fight back what. i've no tears. can't you see i'm smiling?
He: that's a fake smile. U are crying inside.
I really hate it when he can read my feelings without me saying anything. i dun like this transparent feeling. i dun like to be this predictable.
after that...
He: I give u one chance. if you wanna leave, you leave now. walk out of the car and then dun sms/call me later. *unlock the door*
I opened the car door.
He: This is your decision. remember that.
I walked out and closed the door.
Before i walked out, i saw that pain in his face.
He's not the only one who knows how to read my feelings. perhaps he do not know, but i know every feelings of he's. When he's angry and upset, i know. No matter how much he hide, i know when he is troubled even though i did not ask more. Because i know he'd tell me if he wants to.
I walked towards my lift and stopped at my tracks.
6 years memories flooded back into my mind.
I walked back near where his car is and squatted down behind the wall.
The truth is, i can't bear to leave
I can tell that it's a neutral feeling because his car is still there for 15 minutes.
My dad eventually came down and i had to go up with him. I wonder.. if it's fate.
I washed up and climbed into bed.
We msged... and as the more he msged.. the more i felt both of our sorrows.
I've once told him,
Me: OEi.. u dun always msg so short leh. wah lao. u always msg 'ok', 'why'. can msg longer anot?
for 6 years, i've never seen such long msges from him like last night. Woke up to cry several times but controlled my fingers from msging the wrong things.
How i wish.. none of this had happened...
I just want to return to the past when we sat and chat. Him and me both in our uniforms. Him sleeping in front of me at the void deck (which is irritating and i'd try all ways to wake him up) the time i fell down and he laughed at me even till now. The time i sat in his bicycle. (though i've never even touched it after he is with his gf) there's so much memory...
I just hope i get into a car accident.
But dun take away my memory
I just hope the memory is still there..
but i won't recognize the face.
won't that be great?
I feel so tired... I've so many feelings kept within my heart but yet i can't let out...
really tired...
Why does it have to end this way?
I know i'd suffer more, that's why i stepped out of the car.
I will be responsible for both of our sorrows.
You helped me so many times..
Why can't you let me help you just this once?
"And this marks THE END of the entry."
8:19 AM
8:19 AM
Living a life full of life. That's all about me that you should know.